2025/08/10
as for today, i'm twenty-six. wow!
as i said on my july recap i've been feeling extremely unmotivated with my birthday and everything related to it and it's a weird feeling, since i always try to feel a little better about myself at least on this day.
the truth is that i never planned to live this long and it's slowly ruining my perspective of time. even more truthfully: it's been years since i've surpassed the "limit" that my 13yo self set. so, what now?
i've talked about it to my therapist already and every time i think about it, it feels like i'm limiting myself on purpose - like, my mind is using it as an excuse to not want to live. to not try to live, and to merely survive. how I've been doing for years now, or feeling like it, I mean.
however, i can't and shouldn't be unfair to myself either. sometimes i'm genuinely happy. i have wonderful moments. i love my family and friends, my pets, my hobbies. listening to music, reading new books, taking naps, and keeping up with my fandoms. but life isn't just about these things (i guess?)
being depressed for as long as i can remember feels like a trap i can't escape. it's exhausting. even writing here makes me feel stupid.
i don't like the word normal, but it's something that i want for my life. i just want to graduate already and have a job. but then what? will this feeling ever go away? will i ever feel like something is missing on my brain? will I need to take meds for the rest of my life?
life is weird, just like my brain.
but life is also good. i need to be gentler with myself, with my life, with everything i achieved so far. like, i'm 26. i have done things i am proud of. i've had amazing days. i'm surrounded by people that i love and who love me. so it feels even more frustrating to feel this way.
at this point, i want to try to view life (and myself) more kindly. the place where i'm now is no longer comfortable, and i'm tired of it.
also!! it is ok to enjoy the same things i've liked since i was 12. it is ok to have gloomy days, as those don't define me as a person. it is ok to feel emotions, i'm a human after all.
not exactly sure where i wanted to go with this little post, but since this is the only life that i have, i must at least make it decent.