april 15, 2026
at first, i didn't want to write anything about this specific topic, wondering if it would seem silly to have all these feelings all over the place. then i realized: i can do whatever i want on my website, and having feelings is not something i should be ashamed of, especially since it's about something that has been intertwined with my inner self for so long. in the past two weeks, two major things have happened in my life, and both are related to changes and how it affects me as a whole.
on the 3rd, mark announced he wouldn't renew his contract with sm and would leave nct. if i say i wasn't shocked, that would be a lie: although my friends and i noticed the weird vibes at dream's last concert (29/3) and even mentioned that he wouldn't renew, it still caught us off guard. i cried the whole day. his letter was so beautiful, and seeing all the members supporting him and talking about it eased my heart, but the feeling of understaning yet hurting haunted me. i've been a fan of mark since 2018, and there wasn't a week where i wouldn’t know his whereabouts; now, we will (apparently) have nothing for some time. i cried so much that it made me rethink about how i've been a fan and whether there is any parasocial line that i've crossed.
then it clicked: i was just grieving. i've experienced what mark showed us for eight years years, and then everything i knew would just disappear into thin air as the "nct mark" that i always loved and supported no longer exists. it took me a few hours to understand that i can support his choice (he's a human before he's an artist) but still feel sad. a reminder of all the moments i've experienced as his fan came flooding back to me. i also thought it was a pity i hadn't seen him more - and even blamed myself for it. but at the end of the day, there wasn't much i could do with the opportunities i had, and at least every time he came to brazil, i attended it. as always, i'm thinking about the "what ifs", even in this situation.
as you may know (or not), mark isn't my number one bias in nct. chenle is, and they are best friends. it hurts me to know that i won't be able to see their friendship as i used to, and to be honest, the friendship of all of them. this is one of the things that hurts the most, but it doesn't mean anything just because i won't be a telespector anymore - it's just different than what i was used to for all these years.
i don't know exactly what i want to achieve by writing this, but i just wanted to clear my mind a bit. when the notice was released, all the dreamies sent messages on bubble, and jisung's message [1] was the one that touched me most, painfully making me realize that love is also about letting go. although it hurts, nothing lasts forever.
i spent my youth loving 7dream. they gave me friends, whether directly or indirectly, and brought me happiness through their music, contents, and the concerts i've attended. i'm so grateful for that. even though the other members contracts are up until august, and by default we don't know what will really happen, i will forever love them, because they were the first group that ever felt like home.
as long as mark doesn't do anything illegal or morally wrong (LOL) i will continue to support him. regardless of him being on nct or not, he's still someone i truly admire. now, i can only hope everything works out for him and that he can finally achieve his dreams. love you my man
mark leaving wasn't also the only change that happened these few days. i graduated after 7 years (um beijo para todos aqueles que estudaram em federais) and now i'm in an extremely idle moment. nothing is really happening, money is tight, there have been changes family-wise and finding a job is hard. i don't know what to do anymore, and it's terrifying. it's probably the first time in years that so many changes happened at once and it is very scary. sometimes, i just want someone to hold my hand and tell me that it will be okay and that it won't take long to things to get better. but is it good for me to rely on people again to feel ok? shouldn't i be a grown-up and finally walk this road by myself?
it's so tiring. but life shouldn't take away that much from me (as mark once said haha).
it's still the 15th and i feel like i lived four years in this first quarter. hopefully, things will get better from now own and next time i write, i'll have good news to share with you all.
also, i bought mark's albums that i needed to complete my collection of his solo (since sm won't be producing it anymore) and i'm glad i managed to do it so!! (٩>ᴗ<)و a friend of mine will bring it to me in june, along with some things i bought directly with another friend who lives in seoul.
well. i need to update the navigation (and other links in general) but i'm too lazy to do it now, so people will only be able to find this entry if they visit my neocities profile for a while. ops.
i don't think this made any sense but sometimes writing out all the scrambled feelings is a way of coping. take care! ヾ(＾ ∇ ＾).
[1] "nothing lasts forever, but just as the wish for something to be eternal is love, i think the feeling of not wanting to let go, yet wanting to let them go, is also love."
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